Second Guessing

The past few days have been trying. Despite the things that affect me though, I know I proceed the best way I know how. I have no regrets in the choices I have made, in how I’ve conducted my life or my relationships.

I was startled awake this morning by a dream. In it, I was asked a question I didn’t know how to answer. I was so stressed about it that I woke up.

Nothing is more practical than?

Fall in Love

Attributed to Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ (1907–1991)

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

Perfect Sync

Finally it happened
Not as imagined
Far from typical-normal
It just clicked

Finely woven
Into simple things
Closeness, affection
Walking, buying

Together
Perfect Sync

Disjunct Yesterday

A time when
Lines fail to flow
Melodies refuse to emerge
Beat change at unknown whim
Chaos ensues

Only disjunct words
Describe my yesterday

Haiku

‘Oh!’ does my heart fly!

bouncing up and down my chest

sweet dreams my pinball.

 

Very few people take notice…fewer make an effort. I have a beautiful life. – Thanks JP.

Crayola Mode

My family is my family. I’ve learned to come to terms with what is and to slowly heal the wounds of the past-the rejection of the past. For the past year, I’ve been very blessed to be able to look into some very beautiful families – families that make me believe that I can create something better if and when the time comes.

But its something very different to see and be able to observe than to actually belong…and that’s the real gift of my trip to India for me. It’s that I belong to this really beautiful family.

The trip unearthed a lot of things…things I knew, I felt…and things in my subconscious. and a lot of fears and a ton of disappointment.

I feel cheated of the family I could have had. I feel cheated of good memories – good stories about my childhood – of me playing, of me just being a child.

So many of my memories are painful – of not being believed in, of being laughed at, of being forgotten, of being purposefully excluded, of witnessing bad things, of being in the middle of fights…It was really good to hear that I had a childhood…that there was time to play and laugh and just be happy. That I was the highlight of someone else’s life.

Growing up I was totally dependent on someone who didn’t want me-someone who when inhibitions were removed tore me down and threw me out. And later, I realize that the other completely chose to stay away-coward. That my parent’s split up was probably one of the best decisions they made… otherwise I’d be more damaged than I currently am.

I think of what I’ve experienced and all I can think of is that it’s not right to be a child and to not feel safe in your own home. But I had no where to go…no one to run to. So you learn to bear it… I put so much effort into making myself strong, how compartmentalized I trained my emotions to be…It’s a miracle that I am who I am today. All I knew-believed-clung to when I was younger was that I was meant for something great – no matter how bad my present was I clung to the hope of a better future. It’s really by the grace of God that opportunities were provided to me.

I’m so angry at who they chose and choose to be. I’m so angry that I’m the one cleaning up the mess they made in me. Mess that I had no say in – I was a kid…and still I feel the effects.

There’s this one big chasm though…and I don’t know I will ever get to cross it. But it’s a hole…I’ve learned to live with it…but being able to cross it that would be a blessing… but that’s not something I’m ready for. It can wait.

Perfect Evening

I. Labeling is often a big production

Calculated planning, stressful hope

But the simplicity of it wrapped around me

And then absorbed into my soul

Becoming the most precious of memories.

 

II. To question was wrong

Full faith, full trust, full confidence

I see that now, strive for always.

 

III. Dark chocolate behind glass

Radiate a truth masked by hesitation

But then the universe collapses

To a single point-an overarching

Reality, love.

 

IV. When numbers become letters

Smiles grow and eyes water

When numbers become letters

Hearts fall…deeper, deeper.

 

V. Looking forward

Moments of happiness

Joyful encounters

Bursts of laughter

Ever-growing love.

 

VI. Only a unique person

Can utter the words

‘I don’t care’

And not be hurtful

In fact be hopeful

And actually mean ‘I care.’

(so much).

 

VII. Wrapped around you

Looking deeply in your eyes

Hearing you love me

Now able to respond

All out in the open.

Finally, ever growing

Dream Talks

Josh Turner has a song entitled – In My Dreams. It’s a beautiful song with one particularly compelling line: In my dreams, your dreams come true. One thing that has been pretty constant in my life is my desire to help others. I find fulfillment in seeing others happy, make progress and ultimately achieve success.

Career-wise I find myself in a position to help. But at the same time, I find that I have this really really big desire to be famous-think global household level famous. And because of that, I wonder whether the focus on the dreams of others is a self-sabotaging mechanism that emerged from the fear of being vulnerable, of taking risks and ultimately of failing. 

I keep struggling with the thoughts that I want a dream for myself, yet at the same time, I want to help others achieve their dream.

I Don’t Care

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

I had a lesson in acceptance the other day. I was feeling particularly insecure and self-conscious. And somebody did something that made me feel all the more self-conscious…after I pointed it out the response I got blew me away… I don’t care. WOW.

Dreamy Hot Guys

It’s very rare that I find myself lusting after a hot celebrity… and today, I found one – actor Colin Egglesfield. I happened to watch Something Borrowed earlier today and wow… hotness.

 

The other one was JP Calderon – a male model.